Stress Systems And Victim Behaviour 4/4/16

I’m a numbers girl so I love the date for today and was compelled to find something to share.

The first two stages…
Bullying is also a pet topic of mine. I dont like the words Bully and Victim although it seems that this is the language most would use so I use it here reluctantly and to meet needs for ease of comprehension and mutual understanding.

Shortly after the victimisation begins, the victim will experience anxiety symptoms. For example, the bullied school child or the victimised worker may have difficulty getting off to sleep, may appear jumpy, unable to relax, and complain of the many body symptoms which accompany anxiety.
As the victim tries to cope in spite of harassment, second stage stress symptoms will appear, manifesting themselves as a tendency to lose emotional control and a profound loss of motivation. The bullied school child may appear irritable and lazy. The victimised adult may not want to go to work, and perhaps on arriving home from works shouts at the family or the dog.

Once we understand the behaviours operating in stress breakdown, it becomes much easier to understand the behaviours of victimised people.

I am quite familiar with these two stages as I have seen friends and family go through these symptoms and stages. I have reacted in similar ways when I tell myself my own autonomy is affected by someone else’s actions or when I see someone react in a way that seems out of character or ‘over the top’ and I then think someone is only caring about themselves and getting what they want immediately. The talk to the hand thingy. When of course they/me are reacting out of fear and being overwhelmed.
If you have been through anything like this I would really appreciate your comments and sharing could really help me understand more about this thing that follows us from the school yard to the boardroom. More importantly I would like to hear how it is for you.

Excerpt in part from Bullying-Backyard to Boardroom

HOW MANY BUTS DO YOU ENCOUNTER IN 1 DAY

Tags

But or And?

Have you ever counted how many times you use the word but? Did you know using the word ‘and’ is better than ‘but’ especially when you are delivering, potentially, bad news to someone?

Let’s say you go to the supermarket and you forget the coffee….sorry to be a reminder of those small yet frustrating times…

So you forget the coffee, you say I went to the supermarket but I forgot the coffee. It has a sense of you failing in some way as if it were the main reason you went to the supermarket or if you had to forget something, why was it the ‘all important’ coffee? I actually think coffee is a pretty important item.

Seems more disempowering than I went to the supermarket and I forgot the coffee. AND placed here has a subtle sense of success or information rather failure.

AND is inclusive BUT negates. It’s subtle yet present.

What about in a staff review, we all know when ITS COMING, e.g. ’you have given us everything you’ve got….BUT budgets are tight  so we just can’t keep you on anymore.

Or well done on the ………but we are looking for ……..you will land on your feet with all your brilliant skills. Hmmm… Then why am I not still wit choo?:(

Or ‘yes you do look good in those jeans, but…..’

The but is referred to as part of the sandwich model when you are in between two positives and the real message is right in the middle. Guess what you are waiting for as soon as the first positive sentence hits the air, guess what you don’t hear…the last positive message after the real message, Guess what you repeat as your story to friends in the bar ‘They tried to soften it’, but I still got the sack. Anything after ‘the but’ negates the bit before ‘the but’.

Simply put But is a barrier and is a joining word helping the sentence flow.

What’s your favourite ‘but’ story?  Leave a comment below

Warm wishes

Glyn

Glyn Conlon

Communication Specialist

www.keystoneskills.com.au

M: 0406 930 699      Communication that simply works!

What ‘goes down’, always comes up-get the key here

Conflict Resolution    Mediation     Relationship support

Getting to solutions-Private coaching by appointment

6 weeks to Communicating with Respect- with yourself and others- 6 week coaching program including 2 one-on-one consultations and tailored self-explorations.

Micro Beginners –  Weekly mini trainings. If you have time challenges, or prefer to grow your skills in smaller increments. Next Micro- commencing October 28 for 6 weeks 1.5 hours a week.

The How to and Science Behind Appreciation

Wild With Appreciation

Appreciation

It’s quite weird how this works, even if I just think about writing a text to say thank you I feel lighter. When I think of something I enjoy I feel lighter too although I often don’t want to think of something I enjoy when I’m sad or irritated because I haven’t exercised that muscle yet.

I notice after practicing or exercising the appreciation muscle I get better at it and it seems to come to my mind more often.

I exercise it by leaving a special journal beside my bed so I write in it each night. Or I might go on my Facebook early in the morning to see some nurturing quotes or what my girls have been posting and this alone lifts my spirits and I start smiling.

Think of three things from your day at home or involving your family that make you feel thankful.

Maybe you were able to get a chore done without interruption, or a friend stopped by for a visit. Or that pesky ant problem went away on its own.

Thx Thx Thx

Why It Works

In a study conducted by Drs. Martin Seligman, Tracy Steen and Christopher Peterson ^[T-2], a group of people was asked to practice this gratitude exercise every day for one week. Even though the exercise lasted just one week, at the one-month follow-up, participants were happier and less depressed than they had been at baseline, and they stayed happier and less depressed at the three- and six-month follow-ups.

This practice primes our mind for gratitude, and helps overcome the brain’s natural “negativity bias”,^[H-1] a phenomenon by which we are wired to give more weight to negative rather than positive experiences or other kinds of information.

Grateful people are happier, less depressed, less stressed, and more satisfied with their relationships and their overall lives. Grateful people have a higher sense of purpose in life, better coping skills, stronger circles of support, and less trouble sleeping.

WHAT ARE THE INGREDIENTS THAT KEEP RELATIONSHIPS THRIVING?

Appreciation is one.

Do you know we receive 5 times as many negative messages in one day then positive?

That doesn’t count all the negative messages we give ourselves in our own head talk!

When you give a compliment or appreciation or may be you call it gratitude, you need to give it in a way that can be appreciated by the other person.

Appreciation or gratitude really goes a long way in relationships. We do it effortlessly when the relationship is new then as we let ourselves become more vulnerable we don’t do it as much. As the relationship develops and we have known the person for a while and its not a new relationship anymore, we tend to forget to say thank you and we take it for granted that they are appreciated.

The other person wants to hear gratitude and also forgets to ask for it, some of believe we shouldn’t have to ask for it. And if we tell someone they are beautiful that is a thought or judgement you have about this person. Appreciation is received with joy when you say  how it contributed to you or your life.

After you have decided that you appreciate someone and you decide you want to express it, what next?

In NVC we talk about Observations where there are no evaluations, this means choose something that the other person will recognise. E.g when you were bending down talking with your daughter yesterday….

That way they can clearly identify what the situation is and picture it.

Then imagine how you were feeling and the sensations that action stirred in you.

You might say I love the way your daughter smiled when you bent down to her level, it was a pleasure me to see the joy on her face and yours.

I so love it when I see Mothers and Daughters eye to eye I catch a glimpse of the connection and it gives me a nudge to remember times with my own family.

Saying it like this will give the listener a sense of what it was like for you and you have left out all the judgements, good, bad, beautiful, etc. you only speak from what is meant to you and the other person will be able to hear it as a gift to you and to them.

I will be talking at The Northern Beaches Networking Event this coming Tuesday at the Sands Hotel, kicking off at 930am if you would like to hear more relationship tips and what brings conflict into our lives at home and in the workplace. Why not have your morning coffee at the Sands overlooking the beach at Narrabeen?

Bookings recommended either by joining the group or emailing Mardi Barnes or myself glyn@keystoneskills.com.au or calling Glyn on 0406 930 699.

Love to see you there.

Warm wishes

GlynWorkplace Communication Specialist

www.keystoneskills.com.au

M: 0406 930 699      Communication that simply works!

What ‘goes down’, always comes up-get the key here

Conflict Resolution    Mediation     Relationship support

Empathy Coaching     Bully Proof Fencing

Certified Trainer since 2011 with the Centre for Nonviolent Communication

NVC is KEY

Hope you enjoy this article

Warm wishes

Glyn

Posted August 19, 2014 in Career Management, by Justin Babet

A few weeks back I wrote an article about how to deal with a micro-manager which seemed to hit a nerve with a few people who responded along the lines of “yeah, but you don’t know MY boss.” That’s true, I don’t know your boss and no doubt it’s their fault they’re micromanaging you. Certainly it’s not your fault and so you’re not responsible, right?
Well… no. You may not be responsible for the situation, but you are responsible for you. When you blame someone or something else for your situation you’ve given up your personal responsibility. In other words, you’re giving up your “ability to respond”.

There’s no better way to dis-empower yourself than to point the finger at someone else and say, “that’s why I’m miserable” or “that’s why I hate my job”.
And of course, I’m not just talking about blaming your boss, I’m talking about blaming anything in your work or personal life. For example,
“I’m not doing well as a manager because I didn’t get any management training.”
Or “I didn’t get the promotion because my boss doesn’t like me.”
Or even, “My life is over because I’ve had a stroke and can’t move anything but my eye lids.”

Ok so that’s a pretty extreme example and please don’t think for a second that I’m trying to dismiss anyone’s problems. Just like Dawn Webster who’s mentioned in the link above, no doubt your problems are very real, and you probably have every right to blame something or someone else for your misfortune.
That doesn’t mean you can’t take control and ask yourself, “what can I do to improve my situation?”

I heard a great analogy the other day – it’s not the snakebite that kills, it’s the venom in your veins. In other words, the problems you’re facing aren’t what will do the real damage. The real damage is done when you let the fact you have a problem stop you from doing something about it.

I have a dream! (of communicating with teenagers!)

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Jul 12, 2014
I HAVE A DREAM! (OF COMMUNICATING WITH TEENAGERS!)
Glyn Conlon Development, Parent, Parenting parent ponderings, parenting, positive parenting 0 Comments

10
1
communicating with teenagersI hear my daughter (18yold) crying. The kind of heart felt sobbing that I want to run towards as fast as I can.

I hesitate sometimes, I’m sure I am making it worse by just noticing her upset.

My fist paused centimetres from the door, I knock and open the door, the first surprise, she doesn’t say leave me alone. That’s a win!

Only why does it feel so scary now? I think sometimes it’s easier to be rejected, then you can tell yourself at least you have tried.

I sit down next to her on the bed, I summon any communication skill that could be lurking inside. OH OH I’m frozen. Am I detecting that its actually ok for me to be sitting here? Never happened before.

I start to speak, and simultaneously the crying gets more intense.

I know from learning communication skills that would be a sign that a thought is going through her head and it really hurts to think that thought.

I notice my body tense up and I have this desperation about my own thoughts and I am telling myself…what can I say that will make it better?

About 3 minutes pass, Many thoughts go through my head, she hasn’t stopped crying; not once.

Then she stops crying and reaches for the tissue. I reach for the best I have to offer… My first speaking part. I say, Will you tell me what has upset you?

She replies, No I can’t talk about it. Then she says something else, I’m sure it’s really important only I can’t understand the words through the intense sobbing and I don’t think I should ask her to repeat it.

When I hear ‘I can’t talk about it’ I am worried, is she terminally ill, has someone physically hurt her, what ? I need to rule out some safety issues. Ahhh there they are.. some skills just coming to me now.

-‘I need to know you are not physically hurt in some way’. And she confirms there is nothing physical causing her to be upset. Phew!

I feel slightly more relaxed still not knowing what to say.

Then all the usual comes to mind

‘ Have you tried…., ‘

‘When I was going through this I……’

‘This will help you uncover your deepest desires in life and discover who you really are….’

Oh Mother…please don’t, I hear myself saying to myself. I have not only some difficult messages from her, I have difficult messages from myself. It’s so very busy in my head.

Then I realised! It’s been all about me, I can’t understand, I ‘m feeling scared, I’m going to fail, I’m a bad mother, I won’t be able to help her….Me me me!

I took a breath in then out, then again, and again. I reached into my empathy tool kit and asked

Are you feeling scared and needing safety or someone in particular to care about you?

Then breath

Are you feeling despair and longing for compassion or understanding?

The minutes were passing

Are you feeling confused because being heard and trust is very important to you?

I said all this in my head. In the remaining 10 or 12 minutes I was really listening to her, made empathy guesses silently, sat side by side, I was with her the whole way. I felt calm.

A few minutes passed and then she stopped crying and said….

‘You can go now…..’

My mouth dropped open, my eyes widened with disbelief not knowing whether I had done good or bad.

I stood up and then before I left the room, she said’ thanks so much Mum for listening and talking and helping….

Yay I did Good!!

I told her I will be in the living room, no tv on, I will be in silence, that 10mins is completely yours, whether you are in your room and in my thoughts or whether you decide you want to talk more to me.

Let me in her room when she was upset
Thanked me at the time
Thanked me again afterwards
And that my friend is what is called the Parent trifecta!

Letting go of getting it right was the best gift I ever gave to myself.

I have a dream….everyone will be able to give that gift of Empathy to someone else.

Warm wishes

Glyn

Blog Entry dated 19-May-14 4:23 PM

‘My fear grows fat on the energy I feed it’   Scilla Elworthy.
Watching this short TedX talk was inspiring, take a look here,
or read more below

 

If you would like to know how to

•  bring the transformative power of effective listening to your workplace
•  use a simple process for mastering a difficult conversation
•  encourage trust and cooperation in your workplace or with your partner

Please call me on 0406 930 699 for more information

 

It takes courage to have total commitment to Nonviolence. Watching this 15 minute Tedx talk  on conveying wisdom in action, Elsworthy talks about how to deal with a
bully without becoming a thug and reminds us about Aug San Suu Kyi’s
courage and commitment to nonviolence. Very inpiring for me, I hope you
find it so too.

In my workshops and private coaching we explore
ways to collaborate under time pressures, mop up a messy conversation,
prepare for an upcoming difficult conversation and to give a voice to
those who think they don’t have one; a basic and vital human need is to
be heard, some of us believe that doing harm to others will catapult our
importance amongst those whom we want to be seen and heard by.

Discover
concrete steps for conflict transformation in this book Nonviolent
Communication – A language of Life Marshall Rosenberg Ph.D.
Buy the book here

or get the first chapter free here...you can check out the first chapter and see if it fits with you before buying the book.
Call me on 0406 930 699 or email me glyn@keystoneskills.com.au

We can do something about bullying and transforming conflict
one school at a time, one business at a time, one family at a time

Warm
wishes

Glyn

 

Workplace
Communication Specialist

 

www.keystoneskills.com.au   

M:
0406 930 699      Communication that simply works!

 

What ‘goes
down’, always comes up-get the key here

Conflict
Resolution    Mediation     Relationship support

Empathy
Coaching     Bully Proof Fencing

Certified
Trainer since 2011 with the Centre
for Nonviolent Communication

 

 

<Are you bending over backwards for your job>

IS YOUR LIFE CROWDED WITH DEMANDS?       

                                              ARE YOU ALWAYS BENDING OVER BACKWARDS FOR YOUR BOSS?              

 

People who take time to just sit and day dream or have fun or workout on a daily basis are measurably more productive, better  listeners, less stressed, more alive, and more resilient than those who don’t.

Take a few minutes and day dream about your Needs (whether met or unmet) as described by Dr Marshall Rosenberg are those things that sustain us, I encourage you to check your needs simply and regularly

Needs bring us to life, they can be:

 · Sustenance: e.g; food, shelter, warmth

 · Social: e.g; company, support, trust 

· Spiritual: e.g; beauty, harmony, peace

please go to www.keystoneskills.com.au/how-it-works.html  to obtain a list of needs to start using now.

For weeks or months at a time we only know what we need when we register our most excessive or extreme needs

We don’t notice when we are hungry, tired, stressed, overwhelmed, relaxed, frustrated or even outraged until our bodies scream at us or collapse.

Even then we override those signals with our minds; telling ourselves that we are not feeling those things or it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t go away just because you may be distracted. It sits as energy somewhere in your body.

If something gives you a pain in the neck, or daily headaches, you can be confident that there is also an emotional situation that you are not attending to. When has this happened to you?

 

<Looking through more than one lense>

This YouTube is an interesting take on vulnerability, if taught at school it could have prepared me for my corporate working life…and definitly for a girls high school!

I was taught to put my mask on otherwise as *Chris Wink says I would be ridiculed or left out, a fate worse than death when growing up. Thanks to Dr Marshall Rosenberg for spreading the word on compassionate communication and letting me in on the secret to connection, not just ‘building rapport’ in order to get something.

What other things should we be taught at school or perhaps by our parents or caregivers?

*Chris Wink Co Founder Blue men, Co Founder The Blue School, ‘Six Creative Mindsets’

Switching to Soothe>

 

Knowing how to soothe myself has been invaluable, exercise is one avenue, I am constantly in awe of how replenished I feel after exercise. I feel virtuous all day!

Something I read recently about soothing saying its a skill that must be practiced and it literally switches off the ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ response in your brain that produces a racing heart, limited thinking, tense muscles, sweaty hands, sleeplessness and even panic, anxiety and depression. It brings you to a different level and quality of brain function where you can see the situation with a little distance and cope with it far more effectively.

Trust yourself that switching to soothe is possible…recognise the symptoms of panic, anxiety or mounting fear. tell yourself as often as you need to ‘I can deal with this’. This powerful message will effect you physically and emotionally. It doesn’t matter that you don’t know how you can deal with it; what matters is that you will.

an excerpt from Choosing Happiness

I tried this last week and it did work, although I noticed I needed to stay disciplined in my repetitions…..

Is trusting yourself to switch to soothe possible for you? Do you have any methods that work for you that you would like to share?